All couples, at some time or another, take strain in their relationship. Nothing can hide this universal fact. Recognising that there is, and never has been, a ‘perfect couple’, means that we can finally relax and get on with the job in hand of improving/restoring/maintaining our own individual partnership.
All couples, at some time or another, take strain in their relationship. Nothing can hide this universal fact. Recognising that there is, and never has been, a ‘perfect couple’, means that we can finally relax and get on with the job in hand of improving/restoring/maintaining our own individual partnership.
What we are not saying here, is that both parties have to agree with each other before communication is over. That will certainly not be the case most times. Rather, we are saying that when both parties fell understood by the other, communication will be tremendously enhanced. This is the case even when both “agree to disagree”.
How is ‘active listening’ actually achieved? It happens when each partner reflects back to the other what they have heard – or rather what they think they have heard.
It is the facts and feelings in what was said that the listener tries to reflect back. After the listener has reflected these back to the speaker, the original speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure that the original listener really has grasped what the speaker was trying to communicate ie. the content and feelings of what was said.
Remember, at all times, that the aim is not to get the listener to necessarily agree with the speaker. This might not ever happen! The point of it all is to allow the speaker to get to that place where they feel they have been understood. We all know that feeling we get when we feel that someone finally understands us!
For example, Jim and Denise are having words about things going in the laundry. Denise: “I am very angry and upset that you never seem to unravel your dirty socks but just peel them off and stick them straight into the laundry all bunched up. And then, I end up unravelling them. I get so cross as I keep asking you and nothing I say seems to make any difference.”
Jim: “So what you are saying is that you are really cross and angry with me for not unravelling my dirty socks.” Denise: “Yes, that’s right. But also that I then end up having to do it.” Jim:”And you’re upset with me because you end up having to do it if I don’t.” Denise: “That’s right. I end up having to do it.”
As this example shows, the end result of active listening (which is the desired effect) is that Denise feels that she is understood. Jim may not think she is right (and may selfishly not even unravel his socks again) but at least Denise feels understood – that Jim has heard her and knows how she feels about the situation.
And when active listening has been reciprocated by the other, a very good two-way means of communication is established. Both parties will then feel that they are understood. The premise of communication not being over until both parties feel understood has been satisfactorily achieved.
Also note that “I” messages are being used here (rather than accusatory “You” messages). Denise is recognising and ‘owning’ that she is the one feeling cross, angry, frustrated, upset, etc. regardless of what Jim (or anybody else for that matter) has done to her. An “I” message accepts responsibility that ultimately our feelings and emotions belong to us and we are responsible for them.
If Denise had accused Jim with a “You” message such as, “You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks,” the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.
Does all of this stuff about ‘active listening’ and “I” messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.
And what if it all goes wrong and strife does break out? It is still not to late to bring in the skills of ‘active listening’ and “I” messages. After tempers have had chance to cool, it is still possible to pick up the pieces, make amends and let your partner feel understood. And they will appreciate that.
So, there we go. Try and practice it. And then try some more. Watch some of the frustrations, angers and tensions drain out of the relationship as your partner begins to feel understood. And then try it on your kids, your in-laws, your boss, your next door neighbour, etc. In fact, you can try it on absolutely anyone you want to improve communication with!
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