Holidays can activate powerful emotional charges, calling forth as much distress as joy. These “emotional charges” may be connected with past memories or with wishes you have in the present for yourself, and those you love. This article reveals practical strategies for creating a more fulfilling and less stressful holiday experience, no matter which holiday it happens to be: religious or cultural, or personal celebrations such as birthdays and anniversaries of all kinds.
Romantic and family holidays are the ones that tend to activate the strongest emotional charges in most people:
* Family-focused holidays include Christmas for Christians, the High Holy Days & Passover for Jews, Thanksgiving in the U.S. & Canada, and so forth.
* New Years Eve and Valentines Day are classic examples of romantically-oriented holidays, but some people find other events romantic too, such as company picnics.
If you want to make a holiday more nourishing for you and those with whom you’ll be spending it, these seven dimensions are the ones to focus on:
1. CELEBRATIONS & PLAYFULNESS: The majority of holidays have a playful aspect to them. People often don’t emphasize these aspects enough. Be bold and propose new traditions, not instead of the long-standing ones that might still work well for you, but in place of those that don’t work as well. Perhaps piling everyone into the car for a drive around the neighborhood in search of the most dazzling holiday displays might activate more playfulness. Or gathering around the fireplace so everyone can tell the silliest or most touching thing that happened to them this past year might shift people more into their hearts. Have fun coming up with new ways to have fun or to celebrate.
2. SPIRITUAL EXPRESSION: Some holidays may carry a deeper or more sacred significance for you that you might wish to honor in some way. Which activities help you express your spiritual connection to this holiday? Examples of spiritual expression include meditating, prayer, attending services or rituals that are part of your chosen religious or spiritual tradition, volunteering in a soup kitchen or making other donations to charity, reading stories about the origins of the holidays you’re celebrating, etc.
3. REMEMBERING: We all know that some holidays seem like inevitable appointments with revisiting the past. Sometimes those past memories are painful and sometimes they are nostalgic or even pleasant. This can be intensified by the loss of someone precious during the past year, when a loved one is dealing with a major life upheaval, or when someone you love seeing during a particular holiday isn’t available this time around. For all of these reasons it may be important to build in some time to talk about these things. Depending on the circumstance, you might do this alone or with others. This is important because missing people and missed times past tend to attend many holidays whether invited or not. So, pull up a chair for them.
4. COMPLETING & LOOKING FORWARD: Some holidays, particularly those occurring toward the end of the year, offer natural opportunities to review the past year and set goals for the next. What goal-setting rituals feel nourishing to you to do, alone or with others? Examples of New Year rituals include doing a year-end review, expressing gratitude you feel for what you’ve learned over the past year, making amends with others, setting goals for the coming year, and expressing wishes you have for others and for the world in the coming year. Make plans for creating this holiday in a happier and/or more fulfilling way next year and forgiving yourself for what you didn’t do this year. Remember that changing holiday traditions takes time – often years – to fine-tune!
5. GIVING & SPENDING: Many holidays are times of giving, and doing this can feel deeply nourishing. At the same time, it’s important to not fall into the trap of over-giving. Over-giving includes spending more money on gifts than is wise for you, more energy cooking than your life balance allows, or too much time with people you’d rather not be with. Giving without regard to your own boundaries inevitably leads to resentment and exhaustion. An “Over-Giving Prevention Plan” can help: a commitment to pure giving out of love rather than contaminated giving out of guilt. Find your limits based on the life energy you have rather than relying on “shoulds” or expectations. Pay attention not only to the total amounts of time and money you reasonably have, and within that to balancing the amount of time or money you devote to each particular task, activity or person. Here’s the simplest measure of overgiving: if you notice yourself becoming resentful you’re probably over-giving. What can you give and spend, and with whom, without resentment? How much money can you spend on gifts (or how much time can you spend making gifts) and sending holiday cards, and for whom, without becoming resentful? Allow yourself to get honest with yourself and live in alignment with your boundaries and your integrity.
6. PERSONAL RE-CENTERING ACTIVITIES: Falling into self-neglect while preparing for a holiday or celebrating it is an extremely common holiday poisoner. This is why it is so important to remain mindful about your personal boundaries and to maintain your self-care habits around holidays. Set up a plan ahead of time for how you’ll do this. Give yourself regular “time outs” to prevent yourself from becoming over-stimulated. Don’t slack off on the basics like how you eat, getting exercise, and sleeping enough. Reserve the right to take a walk or a nap, check in with friends who can remind you of what’s really important, keep up with your journal writing and meditation, and attend support groups if needed. Decide which activities will serve you best and do them no matter what.
7. PLANNING FOR GLITCHES: We pretty much know ahead of time what kinds of hurts, fights or other distresses are likely to arise when we’re with our family during holidays. So, why not plan for these beforehand? List the kinds of incidents you imagine will arise and commit to new actions you’ll take this time around to care for yourself better should they occur.
I know from personal experience that these strategies really do work to support joy and love during any holiday. I wish you a nourishing holiday experience!
Stop by Dr. Gruder’s website to learn why having great personal boundaries is a master life skill for creating sustainable happiness and to upgrade your boundaries intelligence.
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