Beat The Fear of Asking For What You Want

It’s a common problem. You find yourself frustrated at the social anxiety or shyness that holds you back when it comes to asking for what you want. It could be asking for directions, asking for quiet, asking for a refund, asking for a change on a deadline, or just about anything. Other people don’t understand it and may make fun of you when you try to explain why you feel anxious about asserting yourself. The cause? Your intense dislike for conflict, your dislike for making yourself stand out, and your dislike of any situation that could bring negative judgment from others, even unspoken negative thoughts.

The best solution to this problem is to develop a thicker skin regarding the thoughts that other people have about you. In just a moment I will tell you the best way to develop a thicker skin. But first, I need to mess with your mind a little bit so that you will be receptive to the methods I’m going to explain next. You see, for the great majority of people who read this article, there is very little chance that they will ever overcome their difficulty with asking for what they want. The reason it is that their lives are primarily run by the motivation to escape from pain. This is backwards motivation that robs people of joy and passion in life. The only way to reverse this motivational system is to begin to pursue the things you do want in life and to use that as your primary motivation instead of trying to escape from the things you do not want in life.

Am I telling you that people are lazy and the difficulty with asking for what you want is about a failure to take action? No, not really. Rather, what I’m telling you is that there are very few people who have discovered a very important secret about how human motivation actually brings about change. The secret I am referring to is that we are much more likely to follow through in creating change in our lives if we first ignite our positive emotion and motivation by thinking about the things that we want, rather than thinking about the things we don’t want. Pain-based motivation works for the short term, but it gradually leads to burn-out because of the negative feelings associated with the thoughts about fear and pain.

For the most part, we thrive when our motivation is based primarily on what we do want rather than on escaping from what we don’t want. Unfortunately, most people are driven primarily by the drive to escape from what they don’t want in life. This is what happens when you start each day without having planned specific goals and realistic dreams that you will actively pursue each day. Pursuing what you do want not only brings more of what you want in life, it also puts you in a positive emotional state because of the focus of your mind. You can do better than most people. Read on.

Are you wondering what any of this has to do with developing a thicker skin so that you can ask for what you want? I’ll get to that, so please hang in there for just another minute. You’re going to feel really good when you learn to make this simple shift in your mindset that I’m going to explain before you reach the end of this article. (Did you catch my attempt to cause your brain to be motivated to finish reading this article by offering your mind a sense of positive anticipation?)

Here’s the method that will help you to develop a thicker skin. It is quite simple, so I need to warn you not to dismiss it simply because of its simplicity. Often, the most simple and direct approach is the most powerful approach for getting what you want in life. This is the case for developing a thicker skin. The best method is to simply practice asking for things that you want, while gradually increasing the level of difficulty. Ask for what you want from people that know that you are simply practicing. Start out by telling a spouse or friend that you are going to be asking for a lot of things, and tell them they are free to say no because you are simply practicing. Ask people at work for things that you want. Ask for directions even if you don’t need them. Ask for extra time when working on a deadline. Practice, practice, practice.

Are you wondering how you could possibly follow through on this when you struggle to ask for what you want? People can accomplish absolutely incredible feats when the motivation is strong enough. So I’m asking you to start with building powerful motivation. Think of it like a swim through a freezing-cold lake. The pain will be short-lived because you will rapidly become accustomed to asking for things when you do it all day, and the result will be a quickly-developing callous that protects you from the pangs of fear or guilt that currently hold you in bondage. So all you have to do is build a powerful positive expectation that is strong enough to make this short journey rewarding.

Start by creating a vivid mental hologram of the experience of being a more assertive person. Think about how it will feel when you can hold your head high and demand proper respect without flinching or feeling anxious afterwards. Think about how good it will feel when you are truly free of the fear that other people are thinking negative thoughts about you. You need to become certain of your vision for the future in order to have strong motivation. Don’t just think, “What if.” Instead, think of your visualizations as absolute certainties that are 100% linked to the action of practice with asking for what you want.

Before I send you on your way to get to work on these techniques, I want to offer two more tips. Right before you ask someone for something that you want, imagine someone else doing the same thing. Imagine someone who is very assertive. You probably know a few people who are so outgoing and assertive that would not be even slightly unnerved by asking for what they want. Imagine this person asking for what they want. This mental exercise will reduce the feeling that you are doing something odd or something that needs to be apologized for. The second tip is to think about how you would feel if someone asked you for the very thing that you are about to ask for. If you wouldn’t mind someone else asking you for the favor or request that you are asking, then neither should you worry about what the other person’s reaction will be. If they are hard and cruel in the reaction, then that is their problem, not yours. Create a vision for how you want to feel 21 days from now after swimming across this cold lake and standing triumphant and warm from your exercise on the opposite shore. See yourself laughing with the joy and excitement of having accomplished this life-changing feat. You are worth it, so get to work.

Dr. Todd Snyder is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder. He is the creator of the Social Anxiety Secrets System that provides a complete self-help and personal motivation system for overcoming symptoms of social anxiety. A free mini-course can be found at his website, www.socialanxietysecrets.com