Few things hurt people worse than a spouse cheating. Maybe a loved one’s death, but even then, you’re spared the devastating betrayal that comes with infidelity.
Let me say this right now: Despite the agony that you’re in, you are going to survive this. For every 10 women you know, as many as three or four have experienced a spouse cheating, and they made it through. It won’t be easy, but I’ve made it through, and you can and will, too, I promise.
Here our five vital keys:
Don’t be an ostrich.
Don’t deny it or try to rationalize in some way that catching your spouse cheating did not happen. You might be tempted to think things like, “It was only sex, he didn’t really care about her, so it wasn’t really cheating.” No, he cheated. It happened. You can’t change that.
Talk about it.
Many couples have one big fight over a spouse cheating, then never talk about it again, except to snipe. If you’re going to survive, you have to talk. Ask him to tell you what happened and how it started. Tell him exactly how you feel about it. If you can’t talk to your spouse, then talk to a close friend or a family member. Definitely speak to a professional counselor.
Don’t take the blame.
It’s a mistake to assume that a spouse cheating is caused by something you did or didn’t do. People cheat for any number of reasons, from poor sexual impulse control to needing emotional intimacy they aren’t getting at home. Ask what he was looking for in the affair. Knowing why will keep you from constantly blaming yourself. Even if it did have something to do with you, knowing what will help you correct it, which is the healthy, instead of sitting around thinking, “I should have”
Don’t obsess over the details.
Trust me, you’ll be tempted to relive the moment you found out and to try to imagine everything that went on between them. This is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Memories and emotions are very closely tied together in the brain, so remembering will bring out the pain, as fresh as the day you found out. When you feel yourself obsessing, practice thought-stopping. Literally tell yourself, “Stop!” and deliberately turn your thoughts to something else.
Don’t live in Angry Town.
Give yourself time to be pissed. You should, but you can’t live there forever. At some point it’s going to be time to move on and ask yourself and the spouse cheating some tough questions. And, don’t retaliate against the other person. Be bigger than that and better than the situation you’re forced to handle. Your personal integrity will get a huge boost if you do.
Give yourself enough space to indulge your hurt. You deserve it. But don’t take up residence there. At some point, it’s going to be time to move on. Life waits for no one. Don’t let the bitterness of this devour you. Demand more of yourself.
Be honest in your expectations. There is no over-night fix for any of this. It is going to take time. May be a lot of time. Be prepared for that.
When you’ve caught a spouse cheating the emotional trauma may even linger in some places inside forever. But, you can live to see another day. I have.
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