It is no secret that men and women communicate differently. Men often talk to problem solve, women often talk just to connect. Men often try to drive points home, women are comfortable not having to get someplace in the conversation.
Clearly this can cause problems in relationships. We can end up arguing or not feeling heard. So understanding more of your talking style and your mate’s can help further intimacy between you.
First, lets discuss male talking styles. Understand that we are speaking in generalities here, but a basic male style could be called Dominant Driving. Men like to take charge in a conversation. They do this in several ways. But men are territorial, so they like to stake their claim in conversations. They may interrupt, they try to get to the point, they may be more argumentative, they may try to convince and make their points firmly.
And we all have heard that men need to be problem solvers in communication. Historically, men are the hunters and killers. Go find the deer, then shoot the deer, then have meat. Same in conversation. Find the problem and then shoot the problem with a solution. Your boss sucks is the problem. Their solution is you need to quit your job. They have found and solved your problem, mission accomplished, pride felt!
A basic female talking style can be called Connective Considering. Yes, women can solve problems and get to the point, but they are usually not territorial or dominant in their talking style. They actually use communication to connect with their partner. They talk out loud. They are sharing their on going process. They don’t wait to talk until they have it all figured out.
A woman will say their boss sucks, then share that the boss is having a hard time in their relationship. They are connecting with their mate, sharing their process. They aren’t trying to drive a point home or get to big final resolution. They can make points that seem unrelated.
This style often drives men nuts. Saying the boss sucks is good, they are with you. The deer is identified. Saying the boss is having love problems is irrelevant. You don’t need to know the deer is having relationship issues to kill it! Just shoot the darn deer by quitting your job.
The way the sexes communicate differently is vast. But if you get that men like to make clear points and kill off problems, and that women often like to communicate to share and connect and reflect, you are off to a great start. Then you can try this: take some time each week to communicate in your mate’s style, not yours, and see what happens.
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